Taming the Beast

This happened at the campground during one of our rafting trips a few years ago. It was late at night and Neil and I were walking back from the outhouse. We were whispering so as not to disturb the other campers. Neil was describing one of his worst bathroom experiences [recalled in his very own words] ...

"I was traveling in Costa Rica with Mosaic. I was on a diet for a week of rice and beans and could not go number 2 all week. We were in a hotel at the time, when I finally had to work it out somehow.

I mean, I had to get it out. I was feeling it for days.

Well, it took a while to get it going but once it started I could not stop the beast. It lifted me clear off the toilet seat. To make matters worse, afterwards the toilet would not flush this monster. I asked my friend Rick for help. He suggested I break it with a pen. I stuck the pen in and it broke off in it. Then, neither of us knew how to ask for a plunger in that type of Spanish."

He had me laughing so hard that I couldn't breathe and started rolling on the ground. We woke up all the other campers.

Neil reacts to blog

Neil has expressed some concerns with this blog. He feels that the blog portrays him as being gay ("...not that there is anything wrong with that"). He is worried about all of those women who are going to read this blog and lose interest in him because he bats for the other team.

You would think that his primary concern was postings like, "How Neil made me look gay at SCAN". That isn't his major concern. (I would argue that, technically, they are about how he makes ME look gay, anyway.) What actually upsets him the most is the color scheme of the blog. What do you think? Alas, poor Neil, the color scheme is an integral part of the blog and can't be changed.

For the record, as far as I know, Neil is NOT gay.

What's the difference between Neil and...

...a grizzly bear?

One is hairy and likes to eat raw fish... and the other can be found in the forest or a zoo. ;)

See comments for more like this...

How Neil is an expert at buffets

Neil is one of the best buffet eaters I've ever met. Here are some of the tidbits of advice he has given me over time...

Steer away from the salads and breads - you don't want to get filled up on the cheap stuff

When in Vegas or Atlantic City - pick a buffet where the young people eat. Old people are slow and will get in your way

Long line strategy - make sure to grab some food (Neil prefers rice crispy treats) on the way to the long line (for the steak, lobster, whatever) so you can eat while you wait

How Neil annoys me with his cell phone

Neil recently upgraded his cell phone to one of these all-in-one PDA/phone/gadget phones. His favorite thing about the phone is that he can store mp3 files and play them back or make ring-tones out of them. He is acting like a teenage girl with his obsession with customizing his ring tone. Any time we go out somewhere he exlaims "guess what I got?" and starts playing back the theme to some old TV show or something else equally as lame. He tells me that he brings out the phone and starts playing mp3's on dates to, er, impress the girl. I wonder why he doesn't get many second dates?

Ladies, post a comment on how you would feel if your date tried to impress you with his cell phone.

How Neil made me look gay at Giant

After a long morning of hiking, under a hot sun, Neil and I decide to stop at the supermarket to pick up some ice cream bars. I suggested that we get the Good Humor Strawberry Shortcake Bars. OK, maybe not the most manly choice. But anybody who has had one will tell you that they are excellent. Well, they were fresh out of Strawberry Shortcake Bars, so we had to choose something else. Neil wanted one thing, I wanted something else. As usual, we started to argue. Another shopper passing by overheard us and said, with a grin, "Oh, it's so hard to decided, isn't it?" We could tell by the look in his face that he was thinking "what a cute couple, arguing over ice cream bars." Why does Neil keep insisting on making us look like we are in a lovers' tiff all the time?

How Neil made me look gay at SCAN

I invited Neil to come with me to SCAN while I went shopping for some furniture. Big mistake. It's bad enough when two men go shopping together at SCAN, it's even worse when they argue. Neil was excited that they were serving Otis Spunkmeyer cookies while you shopped. He insisted that I try one because they are "they greatest cookies ever." Maybe so, but I wasn't in the mood. Well, he got angry that I wouldn't try one and caused a scene. It looked like a lovers' tiff. I was very embarrassed.