Introducing... CyberNeil

Now that Neil is living a hobo's life, it is harder to interact with him in person. Thus, we've created CyberNeil. Chat with Neil online, ANYTIME! We are not responsible for anything he says.

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Where Should Neil Live?

Now that Neil has packed all of his belongings into storage and is mooching off of his friends, when can he crash at your place? Seriously, though, Neil has a tough decision to make. Should he stay in Virginia, which he really enjoys, but houses are too expensive? Neil makes a good living, and what else is he going to spend his money on? Or should he move to Florida, back to where he grew up? Neil loves sun, sand, bikinis, and palmetto bugs (flying cockroaches). Help him decided by participating in the "Where Should Neil Live" poll (located on the right on the sidebar).


Update: Neil purchased a home in Florida. This is despite the poll results, where 44% of voters thought Neil should move back to Virginia, 11% thought Neil should stay in Florida, and 22% thought he should remain a free spirit.

Famous Oracle Consultant ‘Neil’ wins Copley medal
Previous recipients include Stephen Hawking, Charles Darwin, Al Einstein, and ‘Sweet’ Louis Pasteur

--submitted by Mr. 7

Last year, physicist Stephen Hawking received the highest award for scientific achievement for his work in theoretical physics and cosmology. This year, it wasn’t even close. The Royal Society, Britain's elite scientific academy, unanimously chose our favorite egg-head as the award winner.

Wünder-boy Neil blew the competition away with not one, but two, unique observations. Neil’s first observation occurred early in February, when he experienced a freakish snowstorm in Cleveland. Neil was casually looking out the sixth-floor window when he remarked:

“Wow. It is snowing and the sun is shining!”

To the casual observer, this might seem like a trivial point. To Neil, however, it was earth- shattering. Neil shared this with anyone passing by. Almost everyone responded “That shit happens.” Perhaps it is the fact that Neil spent the majority of his life in Florida and did not have the opportunity to experience snow as the majority of Clevelanders have, but it is still a fascinating point with Neil.



Neil’s conclusion (and first theorem): Snow and Sunshine are not mutually exclusive.


Neil stumbled across his second observation while returning from a group lunch on Friday. We don’t know if liquor was present at the lunch, or exactly what led Neil down the thought-process (who can say what is floating to the top of his brain?), but it was another quantum physics nut-buster. The group was heading back to the office and encountered a flock of downtown pigeons. While the group was debating how to avoid the pigeons (and their filthy excrement), Neil made his second startling observation:

“Did you ever wonder how pigeons can fly?”

We can’t really address the aerodynamics of the pigeon’s wing, or why the pressure differential is as high as it is, but it is clearly critical in Neil’s mind.



Neil’s conclusion (and second theorem): Pigeons are capable of independent flight, and are not forced to rely on the wind to pick them up and blow them down the street.

These observations have since been recognized as the alpha-Neil and beta-Neil theorems. Not surprising, these observations have led other gifted scientists to suggest that Neil may need help. Steven Hawking, last year’s recipient, had this to say:

“Fo shizzle ma nizzle, I don't know what the fizzuck he’s talking about.”


About Neil’s Award

The Copley Medal is the Society's oldest award. It is given annually for outstanding achievements in research in any branch of science, and alternates between the physical sciences and Oracle 11i modules. The medal itself represents a gift certificate worth $20, redeemable at any Wegmans location.

How Bittersweet the Ending...

After many years, Neil has decided to move out of his apartment. Recalling the collapsing stairs incident, I think this is a wise move. Being an extremely decisive man, Neil has decided to pack all his belongings into storage and wander the streets like a homeless man until he figures out where he actually wants to live. There is a chance that Neil will decide to move to Florida, back to where he grew up. Who knows where Neil will end up?

The silver lining to this story is that Neil has decided to put his crappy TV stand out of its, and our, misery. Even the fine folks lurking on Craig's list didn't want this vintage piece of "furniture".